The Loveless Guru

Some people celebrate their love.  Some count the months and the years they have been together and continue to be thankful for finding each other.  These are the people who really try their best to keep their relationship sturdy no matter how strong the storm is.

Yet, what about for some of us who only have storms in their lives?  For some of us who only celebrate alone for each passage of time?  Monthsaries, 100 days, anniversaries.  We ask ourselves:  Would it ever happen to us?  Or, will we just wait forever?  I think I have become a master of waiting.  I should get a diploma for that. 

Will it forever be just my wishful thinking?  I too would like to celebrate monthsaries, 100 days and anniversaries with someone I love and who loves me.  But like I told a friend, love was never a happy thing for me because it seems like it's always just borrowed time for me.  Is it because of my choices?  The heart does not choose who to love.  I may consider myself as a smart person, but I love with my heart.  And I never regretted any choice I made in the past.  I would still choose that path if it will lead me to YOU...

I know it in my heart that one day we will see each other again.  I am scared.  Because I don't know how to act around you.  Should I play it cool?  Shall I always pretend to be just your friend as if it's just what I want?  Or should I spill my guts to you and risk making a fool out of myself?  Because in this scenario, I have everything to lose.  Should I just hide what I feel and mourn for this kind of death when I am alone at night? 

Of course you would not know that...  You would not know what I'm going through. 

I guess, I would just celebrate the chance of having met you.  Even if I do it alone...

"Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."

I've been thinking about chances.  The chances we give ourselves, the chances we give others, and the chances destiny bestow upon us.  Life gives us a lot of chances.  It is an opportunity for us to take or not to take. 

Consider two strangers from two different worlds.  Two different people who speak different languages, who embrace different cultures and different backgrounds.  What if destiny decides to write a screenplay and cast these two people to meet in one setting and speak one common language they both understand perfectly:  LOVE.

But what if the odds are against them?  Life gives us many chances but life is also like a wheel.  It could most of the time play tricks to make our head spin.  When everything seems to be going downhill, we are left with a choice:  to stay or leave.  Neither is easy.  Staying means sacrifice.  It connotes a multitude of adjustments and acceptance.  It means swallowing your pride and taking a risk.  Taking that dive into the cold icy pool without knowing the depth of it. 

Leaving could result to guilt and regret.  Guilt that maybe, just maybe, there's still something that you could have done to save it.  It hangs like a shadow that you have to live with, for giving up on someone you know in your heart that you love.  You just chose to let go because of circumstances and being not brave enough to fight for it.  And regret... regret that you might have blown your chance for true happiness because you chose to let go.  We hurt each other too much...

Yet, every minute of our lives, is still an opportunity, a chance to turn it around.  To right the wrong before it's too late.  We are given so many chances yet we do not see it clearly.  Why?  Because we are afraid of the unknown.  We are afraid of what's out there.    Why do we choose to be alone and lonely when there is a chance, no matter how small it is, to be truly happy?  We just need a braver heart and some guts to take the plunge.  It could be worth it.

I did not choose to be alone and lonely like I am now.  Someone made that choice for me without giving me the chance.  Yet, I want that person to know, that each day, I am still fighting.  I have not given up.  And that everyday I appeal to God, the author of this book, to keep on writing my love story.  Please give me my Chapter 2 with him in it. 

I am a firm believer that God will always bring us to our destiny.  There would be many side trips, accidents, rocky roads along the way.  But I know He will make a way.  My heart is broken, I know that.  It feels like even all my bones are broken.  That's how painful it is.  But I cannot lose faith.  Not now.  It is the heart that is afraid of breaking that never learns to dance.

Saturday night at Ice with the girls who are by coincidence or not, are heartbroken.  Except one of course... yes Janey, you.  Damn you. hahaha Kidding.

This place is memorable for me and for someone.  Being there I could not help but look at the spots where we stayed before and I felt like crying.  Whenever I felt like crying, I chug beer down until my mind becomes clouded and I get lost in the music.  Despite being depressed and all, the girls and I danced like there's no tomorrow until we were drenched with sweat as if we came out of the shower.

Here are some of the pictures.  Oh, Mercedes just left a comment on my Facebook that my eyes look lonely in the pictures and it shows.  oh well...

      
Jane and Yummy                                  Ghia, Jane, Yummy          Sedneth, Ghia, Jane, Yummy

      
San Mig sticker models?                    So wet...                                                Are we in hell?

Everything in my body hurts. My head, my heart, my stomach, abdomen, my back and my hair are falling.  I guess my body is responding to my emotional state.  Please stop.  It hurts. 

What does dreaming about the apocalypse mean?  Because of a recent loss of a loved one, I have become a recluse.  I stay in my room and think hard and get as much sleep as I can.  My sleep however is plagued with both beautiful and horrible dreams.

Last night, I dreamed being in a university student once again.  In it, I saw Pia, an old high school friend whom I have not seen for a very long time.  We were in the Engineering building.  That was not actually the Engineering building of La Salle but I am sure I have dreamt about that building before.  In it, I also saw my former Engineering acquaintances and a former suitor.  Pia wanted to ask GR for a date and I was forcing him to date her.  He declined.

Then suddenly, I saw the sky darken.  The clouds were covering the sun and it seemed like the sun is melting.  Suddenly, lightning came and balls of fire began coming down to the ground burning and destroying everything.  It went dark and everybody was screaming.  We knew it was the end...

Significant symbol:  The "Sun"

I researched for the dream interpretation of apocalyptic dreams.  It denotes a happening in our lives that we have no control.  Usually a bad event such as the loss of a loved one.  It makes perfect sense then.  My unconscious is at play.  My dream reflects what is happening in my real life.

I also slept in the afternoon. I dreamed again.  In it, Ramsey painted a picture of two circles intertwined together.  Kind of looks like this:

Sometimes, no matter how we want to, we just can't be together with the person we love.

I found these quotes from CSI Season 6:

GRISSOM:  It's like Thermite.

SARA:  Thermite?

GRISSOM:  When you combine two seemingly harmless elements - aluminum and rust - press them together, add heat... it creates an explosion so hot it'll burn through steel.  Powerful but uncontrollable.  It burns and burns until it burns itself out, finally consuming both elements. 

SARA:  I guess some people just shouldn't be together.

(First Grissom wants her, then he wants her to get a life and he's talking about relationships in front of her).

by Aaron T. Cole

They think they know you.  People think  you have it going for you. Good-looking, smart, worldly, men all over you.  Really?  Do they really think so?  What they don't know is that like everybody else, all you want is also to love and be loved.  People scorn you.  Probably because of envy, misjudgments, or because you are just an easy target.

Yet, they don't know what you're going through behind closed doors.  To love and to be loved could be difficult for some people and that includes you.  Especially you.  You always have this question behind your head if he truly loves you or the idea of having you.  And when you ask why he loves you, he answers all the nice qualities you have.  Is that what you wanted to hear?  He told you he is proud of you.  Are you certain?  Or is he proud of himself for winning you?

You are someone he likes to show off.  He believes he earned that right.  You, in his arms.  Though he likes to brag about you among his friends, you might still be a woman he hides.  Someone who is only qualified to gain entry at certain parts of his life but not the entirety of it.  You aren't welcome in most parts.  So you assure him that you are more than what he sees you.  That you are someone who is actually going to stick around with him through thick and thin.  Instead of taking you seriously, he tells you you are "sweet."

You try to package yourself into someone who could fit into his world.  Along the way, you forgot who you were.  That you were the star of your own show.  Until you lost your shine so he could shine more brightly.  You chose to dim your light so he could have his.  You are a smart girl, how come you did something so dumb?  And your answer:  Because of love. 

Because you want him to be pleased with you, you studied all the ways on how to make and keep your man happy.  Learned a new language, cook his favorite dish, dress in a certain way he likes, style your hair like he wanted to, be obedient because he said he doesn't like stubborn girls.  So you turned yourself into a commodity and forgot that you are first and foremost, a person. Occasionally, you also do his work for him.  Hey, you are a smart girl!  He'll be prouder of you.  So as he is hailed by his colleagues more and more, your self-esteem plummets to ground zero.

Do his parents know about you?  Yes,maybe.  Not as his girlfriend though.  He thinks you are not qualified enough to be introduced to his parents as one.  When was the last time he looked at you with loving eyes?  Admiration and love are different.  How does his kiss feel like?  Is it loving or lustful?  Does he give you enough loving?  And in return, all you asked from him is to give you a little time.  He answered you with all skepticism, "How can you endure when I get busier than now?".  You rest your case.  You kept quiet.  And when you wanted some tender loving care and asked him in your sweetest voice if he also misses you, he tells you "I have no time to miss you or think about you.  I am so busy".

Do you feel cold dear miss?  Do chills run through your bones?  You've been alone for so long.  Yet in public, you are expected to smile and pretend everything is okay.  You cannot bear humiliation and you hate to explain your world is falling apart.  Are you prepared for more of this?  One day, you'll wake up with him gone.  Because you are not cool enough for him. 

So what to do next?  Move on you say.  One day, the right one will find his way to your life.  Who is the right one?  You are losing faith.  You've been in this game for too long.  You know you are destiny's pawn.  An anti-midas.  You go around in circles.  Get ready to meet someone who claims to love you but won't commit with you.  That's not far from happening with your track record.

What do they say?  They want your life and envy you?  They have absolutely no idea.

Okay my turn to do this:

1. I am an only child. Am I spoiled?  Sometimes.  But I do work hard for whatever I want.  And I usually get what I want. 

2. I devour books as if they're food.  They're my companion when there's nothing to do, when my heart is broken, bored, and just want to relax and in no mood to talk to anybody.  Books are food for the brain.

3. I have an illusion to become an archaeologist and travel to ancient cities to dig for artifacts.  Thus, I would love to go to Egypt.

4. During my senior year, I discovered how I love watching and making documentaries - and winning.

5. I love to win.  I hate to lose.  Competition drives me.  What kind of competition?  All kinds.  May it be academic, professional or personal.

6. I started this blog to scorn someone.

7. I never want to grow my nails or put colored nail polish on them.  Just colorless please.  I want to keep my nails neat and clean.

8. I am a bitch.  Especially to those I don't like.  However, I can also love unconditionally. 

9. Dancing is my passion.  When I am on stage or performing, I make sure I leave my mark. 

10. I like solving Cryptograms and I am good at it.

11. I am not crazy about children.  Most of the time they annoy me because they are so noisy and selfish brats.  But for some reason, children are drawn to me.  Witches I think have that kind of power to attract children to them.

12. I like community service.  This is one place where I feel I truly belong and I feel happy. 

13. I am capable of making someone's life a living hell.  I can think of many ways to f*ck with their heads.  So it goes without saying, don't f*ck with me!

14. I think I am jinxed when it comes to romantic love.  Everything I touch turns to shit and blows up in my face.

15. I can cook pretty well.  I want to learn how to cook Korean dishes though.

16. When I go clubbing, I don't go there to meet guys.  I also don't like that they talk to me.  I just want to dance. 

17. I may not be religious but I believe I maintain a personal relationship with God.

18. I understand the art of seduction using my eyes. 

19. My favorite colors have always been black and pink.  But I think I look hotter and deadlier in RED. 

20. I can dance and run in high heels.

21. My Korean is getting better.

22. My role model is Queen Elizabeth I. "I will have only one mistress.  And no master!"

23. I am nocturnal.  I cannot sleep early. 

24. I have OCD.  When it attacks, I could not stop cleaning and arranging and doing everything three times.  And everything should follow a straight line.  This usually happens when I am anxious or I want to restore some order to my life.

25. When I put my mind to something, I sure as hell will deliver it and make sure it is the best because I expect nothing less from myself.  It also goes the same way when I want to punish someone.  Off with their heads on a silver platter! 

Another of Damien Rice's song.  Simply orgasmic.  It's like Damien and Lisa's voices had sex.  From foreplay to climax.  Listen to it!

Dedicated to ME.



What I want from you is empty your head
They say be true, don't stay in your bed
We do what we need to be free
And it leans on me like a rootless tree

What I want from us is empty our minds
We fake the thoughts, and fracture the times
We go blind when we've needed to see
And this leans on me, like a rootless...

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
There's nothing in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
That you just let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out

What I want from this
Is learn to let go
No not of you
Of all that's been told
Killers re-invent and believe
And this leans on me, like a rootless...

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
There's nothing in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
That you just let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out
Let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out
Let me out, let me out, let me out

Fuck you, fuck you, love you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
It's nothing in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
That you just let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out
Let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out
Let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out
Let me out, let me out, let me out

Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around

Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around

Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around

Dear Ramsey,

I don't really know how to tell you this,I dislike your eyelashes. I think I realized it when I quoted Forrest Gump at the mental hospital and I saw you sit on my boyfriend. I'm sure you're middle-class enough to understand that you need a sex-change. I'm returning your Hannah Montana underwear to you, but I'll keep the result of that blood sample as a memory. You should also know that I told in my confession today about the moose poaching and your cucumber-fetishism is weird.


Your everlasting enemy,

Leia



Here's how you do it:

Dear (the last person you talked to),

I don't really know how to tell you this,(1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning your (8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).

(12),
Name

1) What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - I'm in love with your cat
Red - Our affair is over
White - I’m joining the Convent
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a leprechaun
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - Purple hedgehogs want to destroy you
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forrest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I threw up in your sock drawer
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August - When you smacked my ass
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I finally changed my underwear

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
Chicken- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Fish - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Annat- With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bit of
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over

5) What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Other --The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol -
Family Guy - Open
Top Model - Middle-class
Annat -shamed

7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Silly - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exist
Ashamed - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks

8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your toe ring
Yellow - Your love letters to me
Red - The pictures from Vegas
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your Hannah Montana underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - My virginity
C/D - Your photo with the moustache drawn on it
E/F - Your neighbors dog
G/H - The oil tank from your car
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Love your sweet, sweet ass
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Will not tell the authorites that you stole the whale from the backyard.
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Hate your cooking
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R - Always wanted to break your legs
S/T - Get sick when I think of your feet
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – I'm scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war
Mineral/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia - Best of luck on the sex change
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt – Kiss my butt
England - Go drown yourself

Did you catch it?  Yes.  Did you kill it? Yes. Good.

Two nights ago, my friend was complaining about the mosquitos that were in his bedroom bothering him.  He kept on chasing them hoping he could catch it and kill it.  His action inspired me to write this post.

I'm sure some of the ladies could relate how it is when a guy who once chased you, pursued you, obsessed about you, suddenly "kills" you when he has caught you.  Am I right?  The thrill is in the hunt.  When the hunt is over, all's just bloody and nothing.  They move to a different challenge.

What's hard to accept sometimes was we hoped that when they finally have us in their arms, they would finally be content and just be happy for the success.  But no.  It is rarely the case.  Some would advice us to keep it challenging for our partners so he won't get tired easily. There is some truth to this.  The unattainable is like a tumor.  It drives one crazy unless it has been gotten rid of.  But sometimes, the mind games also get tiring.  It's fun for a while but eventually, you also get exhausted.

I also like mind games. It's one of my favorite sport which I happen to be very good at.  I usually win of course.  When did I lose?  When I fell in love and willingly offered my heart and raised my white flag.  It was like committing suicide.  Like a mosquito surrendering to a much stronger force only to be squashed.

Luckily, I am no mosquito. I also don't have the brain of an insect.  My proverbial "death" is my rebirth.  Dead is the new alive.  Watch out - the flag is turning red.  I am declaring war!

P.S.:   Is it just me or do I sound like Kim Jong Il?

A playground song by Emilie Autumn.  I think it's genius how she turned this morbid song about the conditions of the 19th century asylums into a cute nursery rhyme. Disturbing!  It talks about how ladies where just shoved into asylums when they weren't even really crazy.

Here's the lyrics:  Practice it and teach your elementary kids.  Haha Kidding.

Miss Lucy had some leeches
Her leeches liked to suck
And when they drank up all her blood she didn't give a ...
Funny when the doctors
Had locked her in her cell
Miss Lucy screamed all night that they should go to bloody ...
Hello to the surgeon
With scalpel old and blunt
He'll tie you to the table then he'll mutilate your ...
Come it's nearly teatime
The lunatics arrive
The keepers bleed them all until there's no one left a ...
Lively little rodents
Are eaten up by cats
We're subject to experiments like laboratory ...
Rats I've dropped a teacup
How easily they break
I'm on my hands and knees until I pay for my mis-
Take off all your clothing
We've only just begun
We have no anesthesia
It's eighteen forty
One thing we should tell you
Before you try again
The tests are all invented by a lot of filthy ...
Mentally hysteric
She's failed the exam
Don't bother telling Lucy for she doesn't give a ...
Damn that nitrous oxide
For when you can't escape
They say the surgeons oft commit a murder or a ...
Razor-blades are rusty
And not a lot of fun
So when they try to amputate your legs you'd better ...
Run and fetch the chemist
A patient's feeling sad
She's been in chains for ages and she isn't even ...
Madness is a nuicanse
And no one is immune
Your sister, mum or daughter may become a raving ...
Lunatics are dangerous
And doctors are obeyed
They also go together just like toast and marma-
Ladies are like children
With brains the size of squirrels
Lets give clitoridectomies to all the little ...
Girls are helpless treasures
That daddies must protect
So lie upon the table for the doctors to in-
Speculums are super
And stirrups all the rage
So spread a lady's legs then put her back into her ...
Cage of naked crazies
The surgeon's here to bleed
The doctors all are learned men and some can even ...
Reading can be risky
For women on the verge
It only did us worlds of good to poison, leech and ...
Purging is a penance
Phlebotomy's a chore
No need to sterilize the tools we never did be-
Fore the night is over
Before you go to bed
They'll take a hammer and a nail and jam it in your ...
Headstones in the courtyard
And statues in the park
Are not for the insane
Just leave them rotting in the D A R K
Dark, dark, dark, dark, dark

By: Dance Diva




Oh, so refreshing.  Anger like this is like blood to my veins.  Keep 'em coming you guys!

Anton told me that I've always been someone who's running with scissors.  He asked me if I prefer the dangerous type or the stable type of person.  True enough,I would always answer, the dangerous type.  He said it is really in my personality.  Wherever there is danger and uncertainty, I'd go for it.  All the rest bores me to death.

There was a man who courted me for almost three years.  He was such a nice guy.  He was thoughtful, kind, never forgets important dates, never touched me, and just wanted to know what I desired.  I guess I can say he has the qualities a nice girl could want for a boyfriend or a partner.  It's just that I think I am not your average nice girl.  I am looking for other qualities not present in the average nice guy.  So to me, he was boring.  I don't like average and I cannot stand boring.

There are some things I would like to talk about that would make a nice guy cringe or a sailor blush.  I have a dark sense of humor and I am not ashamed of it.  I think it makes me more appealing to those who can "get it."  For those that can't, I discard them.  

Sometimes I would ask myself, "What's wrong with you?  Why do you always have to go looking for trouble for yourself?  Why can't you be like people you know who can just be happy and feel safe?"  Because I think I would die that's why.  In a man, I am looking for someone who has sort of lived, exposed themselves to many things good and bad.  There is just something so sensual about it which I find very attractive.  I like the wild, the craziness and the high.

For a while, I actually made myself believe that I would fit into the normal kind of life and future.  You know, the typical white fence, children, an adoring husband and me, a devoted wife and mother.  Stepford wife material.  Then I had a rude awakening as I told myself, "Go f*ck yourself Yummy!"  I would puke all over myself if I could.

Once, I dreamed.  But then I woke up.  Was it a nightmare?  No, it was such a beautiful dream I wouldn't mind returning to.  But I cannot sleep forever.

Therefore, give me back my scissors, make sure it's as sharp as it can be, and I will run as far and as fast as I could.  I can't promise that I won't fall or cut myself, but hell, I will live.  So let the blood spill.

I, The Loveless Guru, as of this writing, is under construction.

Thanks Toni for lending me this book.  It sure is an eye-opener.  So this book has been adapted into a movie also but I have to agree with Toni when she said that the movie was boring.  This book is far far more interesting.  Now,  I am going to share with you some points that I like from this book.

Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, writers of this book, teach women that despite the good intentions of men, we are just wasting our time.  They believe that there really are no mixed messages when it comes to men and analyzing their puzzling behavior is unneccessary.  The premise is that:  We should see ourselves as the rule, and not the exception.

So here are the list to know if the guy is not into us:

1. He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out.
2. He's just not that into you if he's not calling you.
3. He's just not that into you if he's not dating you.
4. He's just not that into you if he's not having sex with you
5. He's just not that into you if he's having sex with someone else
6. He's just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk
7. He's just not that into you if he doesn't want to marry you
8. He's just not that into you if he's breaking up with you.
9. He's just not that into you if he's married (and other variations of being unavailable)
10. He's just not that into you if he's disappeared on you
11. He's just not that into you if he's a selfish jerk, a bully, or a really big freak

Ok now so here are the things that I noted:

1. An excuse is a polite rejection.  Men are not afraid of ruining the friendship.
2. Don't get tricked into asking him out.  If he likes you, he'll do the asking.
3. If you can find him, then he can find you.  If he wants to find you, he will.
4. Men don't forget how much they like you.  So put down the phone.
5. If he creates expectations for you and then doesn't follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things.  Realize that he's okay with disappointing you.
6. Don't be with someone who doesn't do what they say they're going to do.
7. If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.
8. "Busy" is another word for "asshole"
9. You deserve a fucking phone call! ( Right on!)
10. Better than nothing is not good enough for you.
11. Murky?  Not good.
12. When a man says he can't be monogamous, you should believe him.
13. There is no excuse for cheating.
14. Cheating gets easier every time it's done.
15. 100% of guys polled said they have never accidentally slept with anyone
16. Always be classy.  Never be crazy.
17. You can't talk your way out of a breakup.
18. Breakup sex still means you're broken up.
19. Cut him off.  Let him miss you.
20. There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back with your crappy ex-boyfriend.
21. NO answer is your answer.
22. Don't give him the chance to reject you again.
23. Let his mother yell at him.  You're too busy.
24. You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time.
25. You already have one ass hole.  You don't need another.
26. Men are never too busy to get what they want.
27. 100% of men polled said they've never been too busy to call a woman they were really into.

and my favorite is...

Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?

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 Lord, I know you are not deaf to my prayers.  Right now, I feel so out of love.  Help me to be strong as I am faced with yet another problem.  I know that you trust me enough and believe in me enough that I can surpass this.  I thank you for my loyal friends who are always there for me in these trying times.

Help me that someday I may understand the things that I don't know the answers today.  Let your love heal me.  In your hands, I know that I will be okay and the mist will clear up in your time. Yes, you may be MY LOVE.

Note:  Lovelyn and Janey, "As the sun will make it's way" daw. haha sunlog galore!

돌아오신 걸 환영합니다! 나는 당신이 행복하게 괜찮습니다. 아이러니가 있는 때에 나를 생각하는 것으로 되어 있는 누군가가 있습니다. 나는 정말 감사하게 생각하고 이었습니다. 고맙습니다.

"It started off with such a simple wish for arms around me, a man's arms; and not someone who stays just once and doesn't ring, but a man who would stay a while, like for ever.  Now's it's expectation turned ugly.  I've become like one of those women who go around stealing other people's babies because they've lost, or can't have, their own.  Their need makes them crazy.  My need makes me crazy.  I go around stealing love or any damn thing that passes for it."

                                                                                                    - Grace Teape, Someone Wonderful

1. Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka niya. (If you don't love the person, don't show any motive for him/her to love you)

2. Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba. (Don't let go of a thing that you don't want another person to hold)

3. Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang. (Don't touch something that you know you'll just let go)

4. Huwag na huwag kang hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na. (Don't hold something when you know you are already holding something else)

5. Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin. (It's like an elevator.  Why would you force yourself to fit into it if there is no space for you?  When there is the stairs.  You just choose to ignore it)

6. Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo.. Dapat lumandi ka din. (If you are going to wait for someone to flirt with you, nothing will happen to your life.  You have to flirt too)

7. Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang. (If you love someone and he/she does not love you, let it be.  Who knows, one of these days, you also won't want him/her anymore.)

8. Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa. (Break-up when you are not happy.  There is no medicine for stupidity but free will).

9. Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na hindi mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang. (If the one you love doesn't love you back, don't fret.  Because, there are also people you don't love but loves you. So it's just fair.)

10. Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo ung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga ung una. (If you love two people, choose the second one.  Because you wouldn't love anyone else if you really love the first one)

11. Hindi porket madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa. (Not because you are always chatting on the net or the phone, always together everywhere or you always text each other round the clock, it means that he/she likes you and you'll end up together.  There are just some people who are naturally friendly, sweet, flirts or just wants to make you fall and hope).

12. Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang maganda o nakakalibog ito. Totoong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka. (Don't rush with a boy or girl.  In three, five, ten years, your thinking will change and you might realize that it's not right to choose someone so like you or because he/she is pretty/handsome or you feel so lustful towards that person.  It's true that a person's personality and inner beauty is the most important above all else.  With the passage of time, even the "nation's sweetheart/crush" would look like pandesal or salt bread.

13. Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority. (Sometimes, even if it's your schedule, you still have to wait, because you are not the priority.)

- Joey this is for you.  This is how you've been treating me.

14. Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw ung bida sa script na pinili niya. (It's hard to be casted in a person's life.  Especially if you are not the leading lady/ leading man in the script he/she has chosen)

15. Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo.
 (Do you know how long is the distance between two people if they turned their backs on each other?  You have to roam around the whole world to find the person you've turned your back from).

16. Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala. (It is better to fail in doing something than to succeed in doing nothing.)

17. Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohanan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan. (Not all things that you can understand is the truth, and not all that you can't understand are lies).

18. Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, huwag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lang yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!

(If you loved someone and you got hurt, don't blame your heart.  The heart is just there to supply blood to your body.  Now, if you are good in Anatomy and you are going to blame your hypothalamus that controls your emotions, you are stilll wrong!  Why?  Oh please!  Don't blame your body organs for your emotional pains.  Remember:  You are only going to be happy if you will learn to accept that it's not your heart, liver or intestine who is to blame of everything that happened to you but YOU yourself!

19. Pakawalan mo ung mga bagay na nakakasakit sayo kahit na pinasasaya ka nito. Wag mong hintayin ang araw na sakit na lang ang nararamdaman mo at iniwan ka na ng kasiyahan mo. (Let go of the thing that hurts you even if it makes you happy.  Don't wait for the day that you'll only feel pain and your joy has left you)

20. Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang mga taong malalapit sayo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo. (Use your heart to take care of the people close to you.  Use your head to take care of yourself.)

21. Ang pag-ibig parang imburnalnakakatakot mahulogat kapag nahulog ka, its either by accident or talagang tanga ka. (Love is like a sewer.  It's scary to fall but if you fell, it's either by accident or it's just that you're really stupid).




 

Last June 7, 2009 the Rotary Club North gathered together at Business Inn for its 37th Turnover Ceremony and Charter.  I was inducted as a new club officer together with Jeelyn, Irene and Jericho.  It was such a fun night filled with laughter and dancing.  I am honored to be a part of this and happy to have met new friends.   Anyway, here are some of our pictures.

 

 

   

  

  

  

 

There you have it. 

Happy Birthday to my friends Beverly and Anton!

Two special people close to my heart sharing the same birth date.  I would like to thank both of you for being in my life.

Bev, in the 5 years that I had been with you, we shared so many things together.  You were like a soul sister to me.  Sometimes, just by looking at each other, we already understand what the other is thinking.  I will never forget our chats, sleepless nights with projects, sleepovers, hang-out places, jokes, and all those wonderful memories we had together.  God, I miss you a lot. 

We tried to jinx a couple's relationship to fail, but well, we failed. haha We really are wicked witches.  I cannot count all the crazy things we did or thought and laughed about.  Those times were indeed the best.  Now, we opened a new chapter and we are presented with new sets of challenges.  So many changes have already happened to us. But one thing that will never change and I assure you is my love for you.  You will never be forgotten and have a special place in my heart forever.

I still want to see you present in my life when we are already old.  I still want to be a part of the important events of your life in the future.  True friends are hard to find and I am just blessed to have found you.  I love you Bebang.

       


Anton, I have many things to thank you for.  For always being there when I am down, when I need someone to talk to, when I need a man's point-of-view, for comforting me when I feel hurt or heartbroken, for listening when I am being neurotic.  You are the father I never had.  The kind of father any young girl would want to have.  For that, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  My wish for you, is that you will feel all the joys the world could offer.  I wish you and Jane happiness in your lives.  You truly deserve each other and I am happy that you have found love in each other.

Just remember to JUMP.  Take your own advice.  Happy Birthday!

by Nikki Giovanni

Two days ago I met up with my former college classmates Euna and Ruby for coffee and then met up with another classmate Mardyl for dinner.  They brought their boyfriends with them and they are... yup, Koreans too.  Seeing them cuddle and be very sweet with each other reminded me so much of me and Joey.  I don't envy them, I just recalled how good those times felt. 

Joey told me the time he spent here with me was the best time of his life.  Mine too.  He is Denmark now but we haven't talked yet.  I am guessing he still has no internet connection there and no cellphone he could use.  I hope to hear from him soon.  As for me, I am keeping myself busy also with activities that would make my time productive.  It is better than waiting when Joey will go online or call.

I told Euna and Mardyl that the realities of their relationship with their boyfriends would arise when they will go back to Korea.  I advised them that if they are to make their relationships work, truckloads of patience, understanding and acceptance are needed.  Immaturity is a no no for a long distance relationship especially with a Korean.  It may seem that everything is perfect for them now, I sure felt that way when Joey was still with me 24/7, but it won't be that way forever.  This is the real world and in the real world, people need to work and compromise.  Time, attention and romance might be an issue.  But still, though my situation with Joey is difficult now, I'll hang in here.  I love the dude. 

I wish them the best.  I can see they are in love with their partners.  I jut pray that their situation would be easiesr than mine.  I want better for my friends.  Anyway, here are some pictures.

Happy Birthday to you wherever you are.  Thank you for being there for me in my saddest of days.  You've never failed to cheer me up.  That's why I call you my "sun".  You're always shining brightly for me. Thank you for understanding though I know you also hurt. 

I will never forget all the times we shared.  I hope to see you again one day.  You'll always be my special friend.



Always,

Your No. 1 Girl

I've always been a book whore.  By that, I am referring to my insatiable love for books.  I did not sleep last night.  I started around 10 or 11 pm I think reading the third book of the Twilight series, "Eclipse" and finished it around 8 am today. Now I am reading the fourth and the last book "Breaking Dawn".  I think I am hooked.

I was not interested with Twilight the time that it really was a hype among almost everyone.  That's just me.  When everyone is doing or going gaga over something, I tend to avoid it.  Just like when Harry Potter was the talk of the town.  But I find the New Moon and Eclipse quite interesting.

People have always been falling in love with Edward's character.  But there is one character that intrigues me too:  Jacob.  Bella's best friend who became a wolf.  It was Jacob who was there for Bella when Edward left her.  She refers to him as her "sun".  Of course there was no denying that he always has feelings for Bella more than a friend.  But what was surprising was in Eclipse, Bella realized that she is also in love with Jacob..

"Jacob was right. He’d been right all along. He was more than just my friend. That’s why it was so
impossible to tell him goodbye — because I was in love with him. Too. I loved him, much more than I
should, and yet, still nowhere near enough. I was in love with him, but it was not enough to change
anything; it was only enough to hurt us both more. To hurt him worse than I ever had." - Bella

Jacob once told Bella that it is possible to love two people at the same time.  Someone once told me the same thing.  I answered yes I think it is possible but I am sure that the gravity of that love will be different for each person.  One person would always be loved more than the other. 

“I’m not saying you don’t love him. I’m not stupid. But it’s possible to love more than one person at a time, Bella." - Jacob

Even Edward himself was so selfless when he knew that Bella and Jacob kissed.  He was very understanding.  I guess that's true love.  Selfless and accepting.  True love is hard love.  

"When I left you, Bella, I left you bleeding. Jacob was the one to stitch you back up again. That was bound to leave its mark — on both of you." - Edward

I feel sorry for Jacob though (and anyone who can identify with Jacob's character).  I feel so sorry for people who love someone more than they should.  Love does that.  Everything doesn't have to make sense all the time.  The heart has its reasons. 

For some of you who have a "Jacob" in your lives, you're very lucky to have this person.  This person may not be your ideal type but you know it in your heart that this one won't ever wish to see you hurt.  Some people's role in our lives is to be our private "sun" or our "silver lining".  Love is a complicated thing.  But what the hell?  As long as you love more than you hate, and it doesn't even matter what kind of love it is, it's still a beautiful world.

Changes are inevitable. Plans change.

I thought I have something to look forward to December this year as I planned to visit Joey in Korea for our anniversary.  That had been my flicker of light whenever I seem to lose hope or doubt.  Now, even that is gone.  Joey told me this morning that he will be sent by his company to Denmark for internship/training next week or the week after next until March of next year.

Yes, I was devastated.  It means I won't be able to be with him for more than a year.  It means that I have to cancel all my plans of going there. It means that I will have a cold December.  It means that I will be adjusting to the new time difference again.

But, I am happy for him.  Sad for myself but happy for him.  I know this is a good opportunity for Joey.  I guess what I want is just simple.  Some reassurance.  Lately, I've felt so alone and left behind.  I want to teach myself to just look at the bright side.  On the bright side, Joey going to Denmark would give him also the opportunity to practice his English.  It would open his mind to another kind of life aside from the "Korean way of life."  If there's one thing I want for him, it's flexibility.  That he get out of his shell of one-track mindedness and explore.

I hope this would do him good.  I told him that I am heartbroken by this but I will support him still and stay by his side.

I thank the people whom I do not know personally who left comments in my previous blog.  Really, thanks a lot for your comforting words.  I do need the reassurance now.

It's true that some may say I am still young and there are still many prospects out there for me but I will have none of that. I am really glad there are people who can empathize with me.

Anyway, here's a new picture of me that I like taken by a friend.

This is to the girl who sits and waits in front of her computer for the boyfriend to make time for her.

This is to the girl who swallows the tears and tries to smile though her heart is breaking.

This is to the girl who hopes that he would also think to call her some time.

This is to the girl whose heart flutters just when he says "I miss you" though he is always in a hurry.

This is to the girl who wishes he would be proud enough of her to tell his parents and friends.

This is to the girl who is always there for him to help him with everything so he could give her some attention.

This is to the girl who strives to be with him only to be told that he has to work.

This is to the girl who would sleeps late reading articles on how to make her relationship with him a better one.

This is to the girl who never complains.

This is to the girl who would drink away her heartaches you caused her with a stranger who is willing to listen.

This is to the girl who refuses to give away her heart to another man because you already have it in your hand.

This is to the girl who gives her best to learn his language and culture so his parents could accept her.

This is to the girl who pretends all is fine when her friends ask about you.

This is to the girl who waited in vain when he went away to "study" with no communication or not knowing which city he went to.

This is to the girl who cannot cut her hair because he said he likes a girl better with long hair.

This is to the girl who misses him more than he misses her.

This is to the girl who can't sleep at night thinking about him.

This is to you...

        Maybe, one day he will only realize your value when you are gone.

   

Sang il chuk ham ni da Oppa!

I am glad that your co-workers gave you a party.  I am happy for you but very sad for myself.  You just don't have an idea how much I wanted to be with you today to celebrate your special day with you.  I should be the one who was supposed to throw you that party.

I called you many times but you did not pick up.  But when you did, you said it wasn't a good time to talk as you were with your co-workers partying and drinking.  As I said, I am happy that you felt special this day.  Even if I was not the one who made you feel special today.  It just hurts me that's all.

I even practiced how to sing happy birthday in Korean.  But even that I was not able to do because you were busy with them.  I miss you so much.  There's also a part of me that tells me not to call you often.  I don't want you to think that I am nagging you or I am not cool.  I will give you your time to your new friends.

Once again, happy birthday Oppa. I love you.  I wish you could have time for me too.  Just wishful thinking.

Oppa,

I just want you to know that I, your girlfriend will forever be loyal to you.  Guys might fall on their knees and beg me to be theirs, I will ignore them all.

You are the only man for me.  My heart belongs to only you.  I might have changed a lot since I met you, you made me soft inside and according to Anton, a NICE QUEEN, no longer an Ice Queen, but it's good to know that i still carry the old decisive me with me.  I will never yield to any temptation.

Other men can just look and salivate but I am bound to you.  I respect you and our relationship.  If only you were here Oppa, they won't bother me.  When you were here, nobody takes notice of me.  Now that you are away they are like vultures waiting to attack like I am some kind of prey. 

Please come back soon.  It is your touch that I miss and your kiss.  But rest assured, they are all kept at arm's length.  So they can just disperse! 

Dear H.R.M.,

As I was reading your post, I can only think of one word:  COMPULSIVENESS.  I think this is what you have to settle within yourself.  All these men, who were they?  Do you really know who they were or were they just present in your life because you got so used of having men around you all the time?

Every time you break up with one, someone will replace the ex too soon.  In other words, you don't give yourself enough time and space to breathe.  It's like you always want guys to validate your worth or your beauty.  If you truly believe that God gave you the gifts of beauty, intelligence and personality, then that is enough.  Analyze this:  From your story, almost all of your relationships ended somewhat the same way.  With deception or betrayal.

But the thing is, you cannot control how they will act or how they are.  You can only decide for yourself.  If you feel that you were victimized, who do you think is the first person responsible for your turmoil? It's not them, but you.  If you are going to be really honest about it, what was the reason that you agreed to be their girlfriend?  From what you mentioned, it included: them being good-looking, talented, a guy who claimed as your number one fan, a couple of flings who fought over you, a seemingly prince charming,  etc. From what I see, these are all qualities you need to validate yourself.  If it's love and loyalty that you want, these qualities alone won't do.

I think that you need a better standard than that sweetie.  A quality girl such as yourself should also be with a quality guy. Why don't you write what is it that you want for yourself and how you want to be treated?  Be specific.  This is what I did before and from what I'm feeling now, hey I got all those things I wanted.  I hope it will also work for you.  

All those experiences can indeed make you stronger and wiser, but what is the point if you will not learn from it?  You will just keep on making the same mistakes over and over again and end up with an undesirable man over and over again.  Give yourself the chance to love yourself first.  Know what you are looking for.  Do not be immediately blinded by their sweet gestures.  They all are like that in the beginning.  And please, do not believe everything they say to you.  Some of them just wants something from you.

No one has ever died of not being in a relationship.  Take this time to take care of only yourself.  Lastly, pray.  All things are in God's hands.  Just ask him to lead the way and take charge.  Just keep your eyes open.


Yours,

The Loveless Guru

by H.R.M.

The flings: Since then that I have experienced so much pain I never get hooked up with serious relationships. I have what it takes to make myself happy and to hell with those guys. I get involved with flings and the worst case scenario that had happened was when three  of my fling boyfriends unexpectedly visited my boarding house and all I did was with the help of my  board mates was to lie to each one of them that I went home because I wasn’t feeling well. It was effective and the next week I wasn’t expecting the same guys to be there. They already saw me so there is no reason to lie again. So I talked to the three of them and I explained my side. Some of them got angry with me but there is this one guy who insists of loving me. As a matter of fact after an hour of conversation he wasn’t yet contented so he went up to our room because I told him not to see me again. Gladly our landlord was so fast in preventing him from going inside the room. What a jerk! Well revenge is so sweet at that time and I haven’t thought of the possible consequences it may cause me.

The two timer: He was the cousin of my sister’s husband we get along very well with each other since we are still young. But I haven’t paid particular attention to him because I was busy with some of the cute guys but at that time I was tempted to give him a try. We became a couple for 2 months and I wasn’t thinking that at that time he is starting to fool me. I really thank God for helping me and it was really unexpected for me to gain evidences that could support my suspicions of his two time job. I saw the testimonials of the girl to my boyfriend and she even texted me not to make their love life complicated. I was so puzzled at that time and just wept and cried my frustrations out. Why me of all the people? That night he went to my dormitory and he plead to see me but I just requested my dormates to face him and tell him that I am not feeling well and cannot see him. In the middle of the night I keep on telling myself that I was indeed unlucky with love.

The man I love: He wasn’t that ideal as a boyfriend in terms of looks but in terms of attitude and financial matters he is. He told me I was his  number 1 fan and when I passed by the alley going up to my room in the dormitory he was there shouting “Hi Gorgeous” but I didn’t paid so much attention to that. He was very consistent when he courted me for about 4 months. He even asked the help of his parents when he is finally decided to have me as his girlfriend. My feelings grew as the day goes by and he proposed his feelings to me in a very peculiar way.  At that time I told myself I found the one. We have been together for 5 months and after that He went to the states to have his missionary work. We still communicate through emails every week, phone calls when there is some occasions,  when his senior permits him to call and through letters and cassette tapes. He was very thoughtful and I couldn’t ask for anything more. After 16 months of agony he went back home and we pursued our goals and continue our studies.

Gladly I have achieved my goals and my aspirations together with him and my life even revolved around him. From the time a graduated with honors I told myself that this is the start of my new life with him. When I passed the board exam my desire to be stable and to become a good partner to him grew stronger.

Life s indeed cruel to us and they say boys will always be boys. So no matter how ideal you are to your partner, there will still be no satisfaction. He got involved with the third party thing and it was so painful because he just replaced me to a woman not with my level. It wasn’t once that he was getting involved with girls but a couple of times already before I met him and up to the present. His family was really upset because of what happened. I’ve already become a part of his family and it’s hard to bear to say goodbye to them. I gather my thoughts and wish that I have never loved him or had given him any chances. I recall a day that I was taking a bath. I can feel the water dripping all over my body and suddenly I fell down on my knees and cried a lot to the God the pain that I am experiencing. Have you experience a time when you wake up that you felt empty and worthless? I have experience that and it is killing me softly.

The rebellion and reconciliation: Its time to move on but as I did this letting go thing I was so surprise that I even more get involved with guys. I become a rebel at my own expense. There is this Korean who is my ideal guy and we had a two month romance after that he just told me he needs to go back to Korea to take his second bar exam. He was really a man whom I could say that I really want to be with everyday. He is tall, in fair complexion, handsome, fragrant and intelligent. He was truly a knight in shining armor in fairy tales.

I did cry with that but just for couple of days and told myself it was charged to experience. After that I had a confusing relationship with my ex boyfriend. He told me he had feelings for me and it was even greater that what he is feeling with his present girlfriend. I told him that if he really loves me he will break her up so that we could continue our relationship. He told me he will wait for the time when his girlfriend will say that she doesn’t love him anymore and he could love another girl.

I really am desperate with love and with life so I dated various guys. Every day I had a schedule and it was really fun and exciting. This dating thing continued for a month and I can’t feel any pressure or felt tired even if I had a work the next day. I met various guys and I get to be familiarize with their attitudes and styles when it comes to courtship. I had to be honest I experienced having intimate relationships with some of them. But I told my heart not to fall entirely and thus until now I still believe that I can find the man rightfully meant for me and will forever be faithful to me.

This is a lesson to us girls not to give our 100% trust to each guy we get acquainted with and not to surrender our virginity that easy. We should be clever enough to think about ourselves first and not to be that soft hearted to be carried away with our emotions. We should see to it that we still have something left for ourselves so that the next time we got hurt we still have even just a pea size hope to recover and make that  grow in order for us to love again. When you fall in love remember there are no reasons or standards you just felt it and you accept the person. If you asked me, can love really last a lifetime? Actually not, because scientists found out that romantic love involves chemical changes in the brain that lasts 12 to 18 months. After that you and your partner are on your own. Love can absolutely last a lifetime as desired to be maintained. Meaning it is both your choice. The bottom line is, love will last a lifetime if both of the concerned parties knew how to commit.

by H.R.M.

Beauty is everybody’s obsession but underneath that beautiful face there is an agony that is so extreme and beyond compare. I am a lady wanted to be loved and protected. They say I have that personality and appearance that can awe a guy who is passing by. I am not that tall just about 5 feet 3 inches tall and about 95 lbs. However I have that features that strike every man across my way. Perhaps because I was blessed with irresistible lips, heart-shaped face, pointed nose, an eyes so alluring with convictions, good skin tone and reasonable vital statistics.

They said I was made into such perfection not because I was physically blessed but because of my attributes, educational achievements and personality. But as time goes by I realize that beauty is not an assurance for you to be happy and to be loved. I have met various guys and it makes me go crazy how to handle different situations making my life so complicated. There are things in life that is so hard to bear making it harder for you to understand the real reason why you are still living and loving.

 Let me share some guys who made a roller coaster ride with me and thus I’m so thankful that I have learned to value myself first and put myself as a priority.

The athlete: He was my first boyfriend and he was very popular in his school. At that time I was 13 years old and was so much attach to what we called infatuation. I was studying in a school that was so strict as far as academics was concerned and the school was 2 hours away from our town so I just went home on weekends making a weekend romance with him. But I was so attach with my studies that I need to give him up and study so hard to be able to graduate in that school so I did broke him up making him feel bitter with life and with love. I was so sorry because of that and I should say he wasn’t that ideal for me that I’m still longing for somebody who is more than him. Maybe I was really so confident to find a guy so easily with what I possess.  In fact I found another guy that suites my taste just a couple of minutes of the break up in that particular place. I know I was so mean but I couldn’t help it.

The campus crush: His look strikes me and with that awesome smile makes my world melts like vanilla and chocolate ice cream in the midday sun. I thought I will be that lucky with him and I was hoping that he really loved me but karma really worked at that time. I broke the guy who loves me so much and the guy whom I loved fooled me in return. I was really bleeding and hoping that I wasn’t that stupid not to trust him entirely. That night in my teenage years I felt love for the first time, the real pain and I was uncertain when to fall in love again.

The uncertain guy: As I said I was really uncertain when to fall in love again. Well life is so unpredictable. 2 years has passed and I found this guy in an unexpected manner. I was with my sister watching a singing contest and he has a very good voice. A voice which can make a woman fall in love instantly. My feelings were triggered by his confession that he really liked me from the very first time he saw me. My heart leaps with gladness and I fell in love with this guy not realizing that he was still unsure of his identity. Well he was I think a bisexual. Luckily I didn’t have any intimate relationship with him. I was really depressed and I just took a deep breath. Am I cursed or just unlucky to be involved with guys who doesn’t give a damn of my efforts. After a year of a whirlwind love story, I have decided to let him go and decided to concentrate on the craft I have started.

Tonight I had fun.  I was invited to do a fashion show by the Neighborhood Association in our subdivision to celebrate its thirteenth anniversary.  I was actually the first one to win the Fashion Show years back as I also pioneered this event when I was still the Youth President of our place.

Anyway, we were asked to wear Street Fashion, Summer Wear and Cocktail.  For street fashion, I got inspired by Japanese street fashion which are colorful and playful.  I wore a white sleeveless top, denim skirt and vest, knee-high socks, a scarf and a pink cap.  For my summer wear just a summer dress and a head scarf.  For my cocktail, I re-used my cocktail dress which Joey helped me pick out for the Christmas Party before, which also made me win Fashionista of the Night at that time.

I didn't realize how much I miss being in the spotlight.  I like being on stage and being the star.  I feel like it's my rightful place to be.  I believe that it is not enough to be in the show, i have to BE THE SHOW.  Meaning, dress like you stepped right out of Fashion Week, walk like a supermodel and of course... the attitude.  All the rest, well, they're there.

I would also like to thank Berlie Joy Ada for lending me some of her outfits for the street and summer fashion.. Thanks girl.  Berlie dreams to be a designer someday.  She is about to go to Manila to study Fashion Design.  I am glad to hear that she is really reaching for her dream and I think that is also her rightful place.  She is learning to decide for herself and that's just great. 

Tomorrow, Joey is going to check Pohang again.  I can feel his excitement for that job.  I am also happy that right now he isn't as stressed as he was when he was preparing for TOEIC.  These days he has been very sweet to me and talked about spending the rest of his life with me.  Just hearing him say that makes my heart glow. I love you.

Last but not the least, I have someone I should really thank for.  Lord, thank you for all the opportunities you present to me.  One day, I will really know what my mission is.  I thank you for giving me the man I love and who loves me too.  Thank you for my parents and for my friends who are always there for me through happy and especially the sad times.  They know who they are.  Thank you for guarding my thoughts and my feelings and for giving me good judgment.  I love you Father.  Good night.